HOW I GOT SENT TO HORIZON
by Maryline Depp
Summary: Her mother came in the bathroom,saw the blood on the floor. 'You will go to Mount Horizon' 'The hell I will'. 16 yo Nicky was upset,scared,didn't want to go there but yet didn't want to stay here with her evil mother.A neighbor finds her on the floor...
1. Chapter 1

**HIGHER GROUND : HOW I GOT SENT TO HORIZON**

**Author** : Maryline aka Miss SMG DEPP ACKLES (see my other link)

**Written** : September 2007

As always I own nothing…

**WARNING :** deals with self injury, suicide, eating disorder... Might be a trigger for the people who can relate to some of those...like me...

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**CHAPTER 1**

The blade in her hand she was wondering what to do as she tried to avoid those tears forming in her eyes. She knew what she had to do but she hated it. She had no chance, at least that's what she thought, she needed it. She rolled up her sleeve and shut her eyes as she violently cut her skin with that blade, a few times. The blood quickly followed and fell on the ground. She opened her eyes to look at the mess she had done once again. She watched the blood leaving her body like it was all the bad leaving her, the bad and the anger, fear, sadness, pain, hurt, everything including her mother, everything she's always done or said. Soon, she felt that well known feeling of release and pain. _Physical pain to get rid of the emotional one_. Such a different pain, a good one. A physical pain to soothe the emotional one, to soothe her. For a short moment she knew she would feel good and relaxed. After contemplating her mess she dropped the blade and shut her eyes to enjoy the new feelings, those she had been looking for, those she needed. She knew that nobody could understand that, and just what was "that" ? She didn't know herself. She would never confide in anyone but keep everything to herself. _It's better that way anyway, I don't want to bother anyone with my stupid things_, she thought.

Though she had forgotten something this time, she had made a big mistake; she had forgotten to lock the door. She had been in such a big hurry to cut herself after what her mother once again told her that she had completely forgotten about the door. Now she was there laying in the bathroom eyes shut trying to 'enjoy' that feeling of relief as she didn't hear someone knocking on her bathroom door. The door violently opened and she opened her eyes as she heard a scream. Her mother was standing there shocked, in panic.

Nicky, still 'stoned', just smiled at her. Maybe to say "here, look what you do to me" or just because she was happy someone finally found her, nobody could tell.

Nicky was 16, had a little sister, divorced parents. She always felt so alone, never really talked to anyone, always kept it all inside mainly because her parents only had attention and time for her sister. She had become invisible and she was hurt, so hurt inside. The way she was treated everyday, it was too much, all those things she had been keeping inside for so long. All the verbal attacks, how her parents would bring her down everyday, calling her stupid, good at nothing, just a burden… She felt so rejected, unloved, unwanted…

And that gross food she hated, the way she looked, she hated everything about herself.

She had no control over her parents, over the way they were treating her, making her feel bad, but she had found a few ways to gain control, control things about herself. Like the amount of food she would keep in, the way she could take her anger out on herself, where nobody would see as she couldn't get mad at others or cry because it's 'bad' as she'd always been told and 'only babies cry'. So hurting herself was the only thing she could do, the only way she found to get some relief. _What else could I do anyway ? I wish I was dead !_

Her mother had never been bright about making the right decisions and certainly not about her daughter but this time maybe she made the right one.

That day she had made some research about some places for her daughter, where she could get help. She knew she couldn't handle this, did she even want to try ?

Later on that day…

"Nicky, I have no other choice but send you to Horizon and" her mother started.

"What's that all about ?" Nicky angrily asked not ready for her new mom's attack.

"Did you forget already that a few hours ago I found you bleeding in the bathroom after you cut yourself ?" her mother added.

_Oh I thought it was all a bad dream_, Nicky thought. She would sometimes confuse daydreams and reality.

"I don't know what to do with you anymore" her so dear mother said.

"Right, I'm so far from being the perfect little daughter, I'm not my sister, right ?" Nicky said angrier, the need of self harming building up once again inside her.

"It's not about…"

"It is", Nicky said almost in tears, "You just want to get rid of me".

_Don't worry if that's what you want that's what you'll get_, she thought knowing that she would never get to that Horizon place as she didn't want to. She was planning on killing herself before that. She didn't want anyone to make decisions for her. She could never decide anything and it had to end now !

Nicky went back to her bedroom ignoring her mother yelling at her. But she followed and violently rushed inside.

"Pack your things we are leaving tomorrow afternoon!"

_You can count on that_, she thought angry and scared.

As her mother went back downstairs Nicky went to the bathroom to have a look at herself in the mirror. _Disgusting, fat, ugly…_ Water running in the sink she pushed two fingers in the back of her throat and made herself through up. She gained some control back that way and wanted to burst into tears. _Why does she hate me so much ? What have I done ?_ She was getting tired after today's events and fell asleep.

The next morning her mother quickly packed Nicky's things as she hadn't done anything herself.

"I'm going to work for an hour" her mother said, "I need to pick up some things so I can then work some here after you're at Mount Horizon. See what you did ? Because of you I'll have to take some time off to settle everything. You are such a burden. When will you stop ?"

_You don't want me I know it, you never did. My sister lives with dad and she is so lucky ! Why did you have to force me to stay with you if you hate me so much ?_

Nicky was feeling so bad, hurt. As soon as her mother left the house she knew she had no choice. She didn't want to go to that Horizon place and she didn't want to be here anymore either. Everyday she wished she would go to sleep and never wake up again! Every morning she was sad she was still breathing.

Now she'd had enough !

She went to grab a bottle of vodka downstairs and found her secret place where she hides some meds, painkillers and diet pills. She swallowed 3 painkillers with big sips of vodka.

She soon started to feel different, better, light headed. Then she went back upstairs.

In the bathroom she quickly found her razorblade. She looked at herself and threw her fist in the mirror to break the image she saw. She was burning inside. Eyes shut she knew this would be worse and at the same time better than cutting, this was it, the end, the end of all suffering, the ultimate release. She didn't want to make a mess so she stood over the sink. Without thinking she slid her left wrist, she felt it, she knew the cut was deep, she hoped it was enough. But 'just in case' she decided to inflict the same treatment to the other one. She didn't feel that much, she was kind of numb_. Must be the pills_, she thought. She didn't really realize what was happening, it seemed like a daydream, she fell on the floor...

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**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW, I WILL ADD MORE SOON, THANKS !**

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	2. Chapter 2

HIGHER GROUND : HOW I GOT SENT TO HORIZON

**CHAPTER ****2**

She heard noises around her, she opened her eyes, the light hurt. She didn't recognize her bed, her room, the place. It was all different. She was starting to get scared and tried to move her arms but couldn't, then she noticed she was restrained. She was getting really panicked then a doctor entered.

"Good morning Nicky, how are you feeling?" the doctor asked.

_What do you think ?_ Nicky thought angry.

"Do you know what happened?"

Again no answer from Nicky.

"Ok, your mother is waiting outside, I'll let her in in a minute"

_Oh great_, she thought sarcastic.

Her mother walked in, not sad, only angry. She looked at her daughter in disgust.

"That's just great Nicky, getting better and better!" her mother said angry, "Our neighbor Mr Henkle found you and called an ambulance. Now everybody knows that you did, how you tried to kill yourself in my house. What will people think now ?"

Again she was making Nicky feel bad. That's all she could do anyway, she's so selfish and self-centered.

"They said you will see a psychologist here in a few minutes and then decide where they send you to" she said not seeing her daughter's distress, "I have to go now some people are waiting for me, don't do anything stupid, you've done enough in one day!" with that she left.

The doctor came back in. She hadn't heard any of the conversation. She explained how things would go.

"You will see a psychologist right now, don't be scared, there's nothing to be afraid of, people are here to help, you understand?"

Nicky didn't say a word; she knew she didn't have a choice.

While waiting for Nicky to arrive in his office Dr Sherpy was reading her report.

_**Nicky's**__** report :**_

Name : Nicky

Surname : Chase

Age : 16

Time of admission : September 20th, 2007 – 9.34 am

Reasons of admission : suicide attempt. The patient slit both of her wrists after ingesting some painkillers and alcohol and was found unconscious by a neighbor. The physical showed many scars on her arms, shoulders, thighs, hips, stomach… Probably eating disorder too…

As she entered his office he was starring at her. _Great_, she thought sarcastic, _just what I love, being watched_. Even though she hated the place already she tried to let no emotions appear on her face. He was sitting at his desk. She knew he was studying her and trying to read through her but she wouldn't give him satisfaction.

She was there not moving, wondering what to do. _Do I have to lay on the couch like in movies ?_ she wondered. She was in her own world already, deep in thoughts and Dr Sherpy noticed.

"Please have a seat" he said as calmly as possible, in a smooth voice, offering her a nice smile.

She hated him already, she hated that smile. He looked like 40 and was quite good looking she had to admit it. _No no no what are you thinking now? He's a doctor, he's NOT cute or nice or kind or whatever ! And he's NOT your friend ! You were forced to see him, you CAN'T let him get through you, you CAN'T trust him !_

As she was still standing there with him looking at her she decided it was best to sit otherwise he would wonder why she wouldn't. _But in the other hand he could also have thoughts as to how I follow rules so fast_, she thought, _You think too much Nicky !_

"Do you know why you're here ?" he finally asked.

_Is that a trick question ?_ she wondered not knowing what to answer. She wanted to shrug but thought better and just stared at the walls around her.

_Ok, she doesn't want to talk, it won't be easy_. He had been told before that it wouldn't be with that teen. He didn't like easy cases anyway, he liked deep ones better.

"Can you tell me what happened ? Why do you have bandages ?" he asked with still his big smile on his face.

She looked up at him and said nothing. She was scared, confused. He knew it but what he didn't know was what she was scared of.

"Ok, let me tell you what happened; you took a knife and hurt yourself, your wrists, is that right ?" He didn't want to say 'slit your wrists' because it was too direct.

_A razorblade, idiot !_ Now she was mad ! Scared and mad. She didn't want to say anything but she couldn't help it.

"I didn't try to kill myself" Nicky tried to convince the therapist.

_Of course she denies, I could have guessed she would._ He was thinking about how to bring her to talk and share some thoughts and emotions.

"Then why those bandages ?"

Again she wanted to keep her mouth shut and show nothing but she shrugged, never looking at him to meet his gaze. She regretted shrugging right away.

Nicky didn't want to be there, he knew it. She wanted to get this over with and get on with her life even as bad as it was.

As written on the report he noticed many scars on her arms as the hospital gown she was wearing had short sleeves and he had been told there were many on her legs too. The report he had been given also mentioned eating disorder.

He couldn't just ask her if she cut herself, it would just freak her out and he knew the answer already anyway. He knew he had to be careful with her. One wrong word and she could keep her mouth shut for months. Cutters were unstable people, easily disturbed and hurt by words and anything else, he knew it. His books told him and other patients proved him right. Self injurers you had to be careful with, not pressure them, not hurt them, being nice and available anytime, day and night, even more when they're in crisis. He knew they would never ask for help because they're ashamed of their behavior and would never tell you when things are pretty bad and when they 'need' to cut but he knew you had to get them to talk and get things off their chest. And they generally wear that big fake smile on their face trying to show the world that everything's alright when it's so bad deep inside.

This kid wouldn't be easy to crack and he knew she would need a lot of time and attention, 24/7 if possible.

For all those reasons he knew she would be well at Mount Horizon. He knew the place a bit, he thought wise to send her there.

He added to his report that she had no control anymore even though she thought she had. She was lost and confused. Disturbing emotions, thoughts, feelings. Suicidal, probably Borderline but more tests should be taken…

"You will be fine at Horizon, people are nice there, you will love it, and you will get help, just give it a chance, let it happen" he said as he led her outside.

She had no choice and she knew it. It was now 2.15 pm. A nurse made the trip with her, it took a bit more than an hour, Nicky said nothing during the trip. When she saw the sign "Mount Horizon" she knew there was no turning back…


End file.
